I Can’t Get ‘What Comes After’ Out Of My Head | Suicide
Ever play a game in the darkest hours of the early morning that hits you in your very soul? The impact slams into you in a way that feels like you were meant to cross paths with this particular story at this particular time. That’s what one indie title did for me when I played a game called What Comes After on Nintendo Switch from Rolling Glory Jam, Toge Productions, and Mohammad Fahmi, published by Flynns Arcade.
This feature contains sensitive topics that can be upsetting to some, including conversations centering on mental health and vivid depictions of attempted suicide. Please read with caution.
There is no denying that 2020 was an incredibly hard year for everyone and that has very much bled into 2021, as well. Depression, anxiety, anger — it has been boiling beneath the surface of our sanity at a punishing pace. For me and many others like me, this feeling is nothing new. It’s almost a second home and has been for me since I was a child.
Backstory
My first suicide attempt was when I was just in middle school. I tried to drown myself in a hot tub and filled the water to the very edge. I locked the lid and I let myself fall in. I was close. The fight mechanic set in and it felt like my lungs were exploding. It was one of the most painful sensations I’ve ever felt. A neighbor saved me and I never talked about it since.
My second suicide attempt was in front of my mom, if you could even call it that. Our relationship wasn’t the best for a variety of reasons, but one particular argument came to a head and I remember asking her if she wanted me to even be alive. In her anger — and I don’t believe she meant it looking back — she said no. In front of her, I downed an entire bottle of Nyquil in one go and went to sleep praying to anyone listening that I wouldn’t wake up. But I did.
I was in my early teens, I didn’t know if it would work. I hoped, but I didn’t know.
My third, and final, suicide attempt was when I was on active duty. I’ve talked about this a lot in the past because I attribute video games for the reason I’m still here. When serving on an aircraft carrier, I went about a week without a single moment of sleep. As an engineer, and one of only a few in my class in the air department, alternating between night and day shifts at a drop of a hat is incredibly common. Shortly after we received word that our deployment had been extended, morale was at an all-time low. A close friend that I served with took her life shortly after. I remember feeling a sort of static after that, barely even human. Days went by, then nights. I had no sleep and no real feelings about anything; until one night, I went up on the flight deck around 2 a.m. In a rare moment aboard a ship with over 6,500 people, I was entirely alone. What should have been a beautiful moment with the stars lighting the ocean on fire and the calming sounds of the waves hitting the hull, I just remember feeling a false sense of peace. Ending everything didn’t feel dramatic or desperate, it felt like it made sense. I wondered what took me so long to get here. I could know the peace my friend did.
I went to the far end of the ship above the propeller. The drop from the deck to the waterline on an aircraft carrier falls anywhere between 130–250 feet. But I remember not wanting to take that chance, so I went to the propeller so that there was no way anyone could save me. I didn’t even want anyone to find me, I didn’t want anyone to have to go through that trauma. As silly as it is, I had one last moment of reflection before I jumped. I looked up at the stars, I wanted to soak everything in one last time, and had the nerdiest thought that was both the most appropriate and most inappropriate reaction to what I was about to do. I thought to myself, “What would Commander Shepard [from Mass Effect] do?” I laughed at myself then, Commander Shepard wouldn’t give up and give in. They fought the Reapers, they hung up on the council, they were a certified badass. They wouldn’t do this. Funnily enough, that was enough. The sadness, the out-of-body feeling of not quite being here never went away, but it became a little easier to hear through the static in my head. I owe that series my life.
I guess it’s good luck on my part that I don’t really succeed at a whole lot, because if I did, I wouldn’t be here. What Comes After feels like it gave me permission to feel that pain, it gave me acceptance over those thoughts, and it gave me a quiet place to reflect and heal.
What Comes After
What Comes After follows the story of Vivi, a young girl that doesn’t feel like she deserves to be here. Like many of us, she isn’t that attached to life and because of that, she finds herself on a train that takes those who have recently passed to their final destination. As the only living being aboard the train, the game follows her journey as she talks to the various passengers that are reflecting on their lives one last time before they move on. Slighted exes, saddened daughters, infant babies, the family pet — even flowers. Each being reflected back various perspectives that center on those moments of vulnerability.
Not every interaction is sad. Some of them are pretty hilarious, some are simple reflections. Others are talking about regrets, hopes, a feeling of happiness when looking back on a fulfilling life. There was one interaction in particular that truly struck out at me, however, and that was when Vivi speaks with a baby. Seeing a child in this environment is sad for many reasons, so just knowing he was there made me a little hesitant to hear his story. That being said, the interaction took some strange turns, especially when looking at how we — as adults — have so much more in our heads than what is in front of us.
When Vivi tries to explain to the infant that we adults tend to “think about things that are beyond our capabilities,” the baby, in turn, lays out a simple truth: “What a waste of energy.”
I’ve studied philosophy for my entire adult life. I’m even an ordained Hermetic monk, so deep reflective thinking is nothing new, but the simplicity of this conversation hit me in a way that I needed it to. The infant continues the conversation, saying, “You can spend the time and energy to choose what toys you play with, or which cartoon you’ll watch, and yet — adults choose to spend their energy and time in their heads.”
He adds, “There is no monster in front of you, so why do you put one inside your head?”
To say that hit me like a punch to the gut would be a massive understatement. As someone that has spent a lot of time homeless and in situations that no one should ever find themselves in, I know that sometimes the monsters are real. But when they’re not? They can still affect us in the same way. This oversimplification from a child’s perspective is so needed because some things — no matter how old we get — don’t change. Sometimes, simplification is the answer. Sometimes, we need that reminder that not all of the monsters we’re fighting can hurt us.
There are moments in this game that help remind you that some of the most valuable moments in our lives are sometimes the quietest. The most exquisite tasting cup of tea can be an instant cup found at the dollar store that becomes a cherished memory because it was given to you by a friend. That bad movie that no one likes can be your favorite because it reminds you of a loved one. That video game that saved your life is your favorite because it gave you strength when you needed it the most.
What Comes After is a short game, it can be beaten in just under two hours, but that also adds to its appeal. It’s a safe place to unwind from trauma, get out of your head, and safely come out on the other side. It’s a reminder that we’re not alone and that everything, the bad and the good, is temporary in the end. There’s a comfort that this game offers that I can’t get out of my head. I hope you give it a chance because it’s beautiful.
If you, or someone you know, struggles with suicide ideation and other mental health struggles, I urge you to please check out a few of the below resources for help:
